seriously think before you judge!!!

so in regards to my prior posting:

*** some seem to think that I wanted to kill my self---SO NOT TRUE---- i have a little boy that needs a mommy, & i am praying that one day things will get better.

*** others think that I am UNSTABLE right now---- I wouldnt say 'unstable' I would say 'got alot going on in my life'---unstable is a harsh word and many people that are unstable really cant think for themselves let alone others.... i can very clearly think for myself and others. i know exactly what we need and how to take care of myself and my son.

*** then some people think that i just am feeling pity for myself---- so what if i am? those people obviously aren't & probably never will go through what i am in life.

*** finally i have the very few that just know i just need a venting source---everybody vents in different ways- som ecry, yell, write their feelings down, punch things or people and even go above & beyond safety---i do a few...cry (alot!) and i was always told to write it down- it helps...and you know what... it does- word for word

just hearing from those people that did contact me after they read that posting made me realize who i can really talk to about some of my major problems and who i just need to keep far away & under the radar.

i say all this because i want you to know that i am ok, i just cant do it alone and there are always going to be some very bad days...for everyone in all walks of life...that day that i wrote that blog, just happened to be a real bad day for me--kinda like a melt down at the moment, i was fine by that evening... writing up my feelings was a way for me to get past that...just imagine what could have happened if i couldnt release my frustration on my blog...oh wait- dont imagine, you might think it would be worse then what it really could've turned out to be....lol.

hate my life

Most days I hate my life that I live... obviously by reading the blog- you can see what I bitch about all the time---ontop of all that I have to take care of a special needs child--that's fucking hard. It's probably every other day that I seriously think of how I can get out of this or what I can do to END this. My son (I love him w/ all my heart) is so hard to take care of. I didnt get that chance to have a normal pregnancy or delivery or even infant stage--- he was a preemie and had all sorts of special things to do just to get by... then... he starts to delay and well, becomes special needs..... NOW- life is fucking hell---yes, hell all the time. I try so hard to make it good and simple- or to just be happy w/ what i have...well- i dont have a normal kid- he doesnt listen or even understand....ANYTHING---do yuo know how hard it is to try to talk/ compromise or even tell your child ANYTHING when they dont understand and tune you out.....oh, wait, and then do that aaallllllll day, because you are with him all fucking day! even when you get a chance to breathe & someone else has him---it's still a problem because they cant handle it and either send him back/ call me to take care ofthe situtaion or refuse to take him ever again.

I NEED A FUCKING BREAK!!!

I swear I hate fucking life and God---what the fuck did i ever do to make my life such hell? am i that bad of a person that he (as in God) has to do this to me---i always be leived that things in life are done for a reason and that is God's plan for each of us--- but for the past 3 years i dont even want to believe in a FUCKING GOD
---why cant my child just be a normally developing child and make life and trainging/ teaching him easier.... people tell me "oh how do you think he feels (my son)- he doesnt understand---it must be hard on him" Fucking really?- Is it really, he a child and he knows no other way- this is his 'normal'---so how hard is it...
yes i'm thinking about my self right now- go fuck off of you dont like it... i am the one that does know 'normal' and I cant live it...i am the one that takes care of him/ keeps him safe and loves him for everything he does---- but where is my outlet---my break- my fucking sanity....when he goes to bed i am so exhausted i dont get any rest. On top it all i still have my own health problems and i dont think that i will ever feel stable again---i am still always dizzy and have a migraine at least 2- 3 times a day. oh, oh and for some fucking reason (maybe it's because my past work history got fucked because of my child/ health situtaion) BUT, I can't seem to get a fucking job. I have applied everywhere and had plenty of interviews--- but somehow i just cant nail the position.... offers have some in--but they're for different hours or 'sorry the position is filled, but would you like to subsitute?" Fuck no- i need a job that is stable so i can find someone to watch my kid on a schedule--- there is noone that i can have do it just...when ever. those people dont exsist---atleast not in my world.. i've looked. So then what the fuck is wrong w/ me---how bad did i fuck up to have this be on me?
what the fuck ever--now off to my fucking world of make believe and pretend that i am the happy house mom/wife- and teach my child things that make everyday life for me so stressful- but atleast he is going to learn---even if its the death of me!!!!!!

oh- wait, one more thing---when you find a supporting husband, please send him my way! a typical male wont do--- i need someone that will let me vent and not make me feel like their 'work' day was horrible compared to my 'stay at home' day. maybe a man w/ a lil sensitivity to the situation.

been a while

wow- i guess it has really been a while since i last blogged... well not much different going on here. i am still looking for a job- still trying to get into the school system--it is a tough market. Because of this bad economy i actually thought about doing childcare again- dont know if that's the right step- but it's money coming in---so we'll see where it takes us.... i have also applied for some different type of positions at the schools, such as: bus driver and cook. the pay is actually really decent and you are on a school schedule- so why not. The cook postion i am hoping is an easy in because i have the Culinary Degree--- but I haven't heard back from them yet---could be too soon tho
anyways-, well Gordo's Jeep has finally died--- it just isnt worth the $$$ to fix it, so we are in the process of car shopping- we actualy have looked at this Chevy Equinox- I love it- but Gordo i think is still thinking about it..i'm sure that's the one we're going to end up getting. Hopefully it'll go smoothly and we can have the new vehicle soon. other then that- not much is different, Zander is still in school and doing amazing and Gordo still works at the PO doing his thing- so until something exciting pops up again, it may be a while until I post again-- love to all!!!!

p.s.
it's play off season and....GO Dallas!!!! (we play the Eagles this weekend)