Teaching Assistant???

So I have taking the Teacher Assistant exam for NYS and todayI will find out my score... I am alittle nervous, I haven't been in school in a while and I am afraid that it may have affected the test. I thought that the exam was pretty easy--- but you never know.
Since last Fall I have been really getting in to children and teaching them. Whether it's teaching them right from wrong or just their ABC's... I feel a connection. I would love to work with young children-- either preschool age or k-2 or 3 grades. Most of the jobs that I applied for are to help assist with the special needs children in the schools. I don't think I would want to work in any other field of teaching if I couldn't get this one. I have this need to help others growing inside me and I know that this is my calling. I live with it everyday and and have a personal experience. I pray that I can help these children, just by being there and guiding them.
I have been applying at schools all Summer long and even this Fall. I am hoping to get some sort of job working in an elementary school or even a preschool. I would like to work on a school schedule and have the same days off too. It would be great not to have to worry about daycare for Zander for FT. He goes to preschool 5 days a week 1/2 day--- I would rather him go to daycare only parttime and not worry about alot of commotion in his day. I am waiting on the last school that I have applied for to hopefully call me for an interview. I have had plenty of interviews this summer--- but no really good offers. Lets see-- i have been offered a job (actually 2 position at the same place) but lets just say the pay wouldn't even cover daycare cost and the hours were not what I expected. The other places I interviewed decided I wasn't the right fit or found someone with more experience (understandable) and some of them never even called for an interview----now I used all my techniques- like verifying they received my resume, call backs, ect.... I almost gave up- but took a peek at some of the local school districts againto see if they were hiring after the school year started (there is always someone that needs extra help) & what do you know... I found an EXCELLENT school that is looking for teacher aides/assitants for their elemntary level in the special education classes. GOD I HOPE YOU ARE THERE FOR ME...PLEASE!!! Well this week is when the deadline of getting in your applications is and I sent my application in middle of last week- so I'm good- I just hope it's enough to impress them.
See- once I get my score (passing score) from NYS, I then have to finish taking 2 classes that are 2hrs long (child abuse & violence prevention) I also have to do the whole finger printing thing and I will become a certified Teacher Assitant. Even though you could get a job with out it (at most preschools or daycares)--most school districts require it or require that you are working on obtaining it...which I am. I can get into the school and maybe down the road work on getting my bachlors degree and possible head into the special education field.
I know, I know... Hollie you have done so many different things--- what happened with the whole Culinary thing? Well- I still would love to do that, but things in life change and as you all know- after my son was born my life changed. So my dream of Culinary has to go on hold and another door has opened for me & I need to take this path. Not just for a career- but also for some understanding.... like I said earlier--- I live with this everyday.... these children need help and I want to give it to them. I also want to be able to give as much help to my lil guy as I can too.
So WISH ME LUCK!!!

a few hours later-----UPDATE: I just got my score from the exam...and it says..............PASS! hooray hooray!!!
unfortunately it doesn't tell me what a failing score was or anything like that- but atleast I passed and can finish moving forward on getting this certification---I'm very excited!!!

beach

we went to the beach Sunday- we had fun. Zander had a blast running in the lake and trying to jump off the docks. He took a few head dives but he was ok.
we played in the sand and tried to swim. He was even a good boy and took a break for his lunch and then right back to the water..........
When he was done he pretty much passed right out on the car ride home--pheww it was hot and sticky, but oh what a great afternoon.

most days

on most days... i need a new life & a new me, but i'll keep the kid. UGH!
Some times a break would be great----and i'm not talking about a break that i have to fight to get.
i need time with just some friends....and alone time w/ the hubby (for more then a couple hours)
I push certain people out of my life because they are useless/ worthless and just plain bloodsucking. & then i try to keep some people in my life (which I shouldn't) because i think that they are good and will change and come to their senses..........
Maybe if my god damn inlaws would be halfway decent grandparents then it wouldn't be so bad- but they r the most aweful grandparents and parents that i know.
the only people that Zander really has is his Uncel Andy and his Aunt Lorie, and the sad thing is ...Uncle Andy is moving away :(

Tyler Place 2009 vacation & Lake Placid

A much needed vacation. We had such a great time at Tyler Place. They took such good care of Zander and he played for hours- he was exhausted every night! I had a good time just relaxing or walking around the shore line of Lake Champlain. It felt great to have people cater to me for once :)






When Zander was in the Jr Midgets playgroup- Gordo and I went and had some fun riding the paddle boat or going down the Zip Line. We went over to the driving range and enjoyed about 1 hour of just whacking those golf balls--- I cant hit very far but I always hit in a straight line ...hehehe- Gordo hates that! We met another couple and had dinner w/ them every night--- it was good just to have some adult time....and the family time was great too!







Of course Zander loved the splash pad and he loved when we would go on the trampoline- it was so much fun...and the weather was perfect---- it was in the 70's each day and the sky was always clear. PERFECT!!!!!


Definately a vacation to do again---most likely next year!






We also stayed one night in Lake Placid the day before we went to Tyler Place--- That was really nice. We just walked around town and hung out by the lake. Zander decided to take a dive into the lake--- didn't expect that, but it was funny! After he got dry, new clothes he was ready to go right back out and check out the sites!!!

I am so ready for VACATION & Relaxation!!!

So i am getting really excited about our vacation that we will be taking soon. Even though it's only for a few days- it still is some time away from the crazieness that has been going on in our life. I am looking forward to sun, fun, and family time... but also that alone time w/ my husband that is much needed.
www.tylerplace.com



This past weekend we went and had a 'date night!' It was a good night, but it just wasnt long enough. So on vacation i can't wait until Zander is off w/ the day camp and Gordo & I can just hang out and ride the bikes around or go to the driving range and hit some balls...or just lay in bed for the entire morning and do absolutely NOTHING!

Life Change!

Well my family life has a very big change in it and everything I do will never be the same. I no longer work FT and probably won't for a very long time- Gordo still is on that same schedule but has taking some time off too (he has it alittle easier when it comes to a job- because he's been there for while.) Alexzander is in a special preschool 3 days a week, since March, and he will start going 5 days starting in about a week. His school days are only 2 1/2 hrs long- but that's long enough for him. We have been spending alot of time together, we've started to accept the news!-- It changes you and it's not life threating news- just something that you would never want to hear & yet our family has :(
Our family also has alot of services offered to us for it- to help us learn how to handle our situtation and also be advocates for it. I know life will get easier in time---but let me tell you- it's tough right now.

I have to STOP taking BIG steps & start with just baby ones and do them day by day---- that's the way my life needs to be for now on.


I know that this may seem a bit confusing for those of you that don't exactly know whats going on in our life- but I know for those that do hopefully you at least understand what i am rambling about.

All I know is that SUPPORT is what I am going to need and I hope everyone just can understand!

p.s.
Oh btw--- Thank You for supporting the March Of Dimes- The walk went great and we had beautiful weather for that day. Our team raised over $2400 total-- GREAT JOB!!!

explaination

ok- so yesterday I posted some feelings and I really didnt explain what they were regarding...so here goes---it pertains to a few things.
1. Tuesday is Alexzanders Dr's appt. He will be getting another evaluation and I am not ready to hear what the outcome may be. Everything that is going on with him is just straight out scarey to me, i have learned to cope with it- but everytime i hear about it...well it breaks my heart. He is such a good little boy and he has so much potential--i don't want anything holding him back. Depending on what is said at this appt- well it can rearrange my life style---AGAIN. But he is my son and I will do what it takes to put him and his needs first!
2. The new job that i started about a month ago is a good job. I have no problem w/ the position. Learning it and perfecting it is going to take some time- but i have never done this before so i hopefully will remember. BUT- everyjob has some crazy situations and this one is included in that...just somethings that goes on are different or demeaning. I haven't had to deal with being talk down to or belittled in a long time and i'm not going to put up with it. Right now i just 'suck it up" but after a while i will have to speak up and that is going to be tough---so that's my issue.
Don't ask why i am telling you all this--maybe i just have the need to vent and like i have always said--this is my blog and i can say what i want. if you do read my blog- sorry for always bitching but THANKS. Every now & then I put up good stuff. I'll try to make some of my future post more positive. thanks!!!

UT-OH!

Ugh... sometimes when you think you are doing the best thing for yourself and it's all the right way---it just falls apart. Maybe I'm just moving to fast and want to much to quickly. All I know is that I jump into things and then realize that it isn't a right fit---it's just so difficult getting back out of it. I realize that somethings are completely out of my control and this power trip in my head sometime just takes over....why?! I shouldn't force myself to do anything any more--maybe take a chance here or there- but I guess everything is done for a reason- why try to control it. I just need to fix the rut that I got myself into!

update!

WOW- so i have been super busy these past couple weeks. I started my new job and i have no time for Zander or my family. i finally have today off---and i am trying to get stuff accomplished---i hope i can get it all done. The job is going preety well, but it is a tough adustment. I am trying to learn the best i can and as quickly as i can---sometimes i can't live up to my expectations. i guess i'll havet o get used to it. Zander is also trying to adjust. he just went from - being at home 24/7 w/ mommy to having to go to a school and learn there ways atthat place and then going to daycare afterwards...that's gotta be tough on a kid. Now he will be going to adifferent daycare starting on monday. I need a daycare that ican be 100% reliable and i guess that is what we are going to have to do for now--- until he is in school FT. Gordo has been really busy to- his work is getting kinda crazy (i hope it settles down and he can be more relaxed.)

exciting news

Alexzander started school on Monday---it was tough, but he did it! At first he didn't want to leave my side, but then he just sat and played w/ the toys at the table. I guess when I left he began to cry and that went on for about an hour- they told me he calm down for the 2nd half of the day. He made some arts & crafts and just played. His 2nd day was just a bit better...I ended up staying for about 1/2 hour, Zander didnt want me to leave so I sat w/ him at the table and he just kept climbing my lap and cuddling- tightly! After a while i got him to sit in a chair by himself and play and then I left. this time he didnt cry to bad. Atleast they can get him to calm down, so I am hopinghe gets used to it and it all goes well for him. He has picture day already----yea, he's only been there 2 days and it's picture day-lol. i guess they do class pictures in March and Zander started just in the knick of time- so he gets his picture taking this week. I hope he is a good boy for them!... but i'll let you know.

So I got that job I was talking about in my prior post. I start on Monday and I will have Wednesdays off. I work every other weekend both days and just need to find someone to watch zander on saturdays for me- atleast until Gordo gets out of work. My sisiter Lorie/ neighbor Mary and even the babysitter said they'd help- and i only need someone everyother sat- so they would get him maybe once every month & 1/2 or even 2 months. i hope that it all goes well, I am nervous- but who isnt when they first start a new job. well i guess thats another thing i'll keep you intouched with!

A Job?!

Hi to all- just wanted to chit chat alittle bit about this job that kind of fell into my lap. i always start the begining of my thought- so here goes.....
So Zander starts preschool on March 2nd and I also don't have my ft kids anymore- so Gordo & I thought i should start to look for a job (i know the economy sucks right now---but looking can't kill ya!) i figured that once Zander started school and got into a routine i would go out there and begin my search. Well over the weekend a particular job was brought to my attention and i decided to check into it on Monday morning. I just wanted to see what it was about (job description)and the hours and ft/pt? and pay rate....all that sort of stuff. I called about it and was actually asked to come in and sit down with them to discuss more. I went to the interview and realized that i was very interested in this postion. BUT- I have alot to get situated before hand. first of all Zander doesnt have daycare- i would need to find that. I also needed to try to get his school transportation taking care of, and I have appoinments and stuff that would get in the way of a work day---- i also would have to work some weekends---and that may be tough on finding daycare for Saturdays-but i think i could handle it. So after i got home from the interview i started making calls to get daycare in order and that sort of stuff. Beleive it or not- it has been less then 24 hrs and i think i got it all in order- but i feel so unprofessional. i feel aweful when i had to tell the boss that i have preplanned days that i NEED off. it just makes you look bad from the begining, i will try to rearrange my schudle as best as i could but there are just some days that i cant change. i have a HUGE Dr's evaluation appt for Zander- it took us 7 months to get (so i am not changing that date) and we planned our vacation(which i paid for in full- yay!)- so i called and we went over mostly everything and then i had to talk about these particular days and i just felt like an idiot- i hope they dont think i am always wanting days off- it seriously is just the timing right now. I mean the whole reason we are taking a good vacation this year is because we haven't had a vaca in a few years---i usually dont request that much time off.
I orginally wasn't going to look for a job until probably April or May, but like i said- this just kind of fell into my lap. and with everything going on- the timing sucks- but i really dont want to lose this oppurtunity- so i am hoping i can just get past these next few weeks and then they will realize how good of a worker i can be...i mean god- i just busted my ass trying to get this to work out for me, hopefully that should say something!
So- all in all, i am now waiting on a phone call to set up a time to meet w/Linda (i think she's the VP) and then we go from there. I am just really hoping that i just didn't go through all this just to find out that she doesnt think that i am the right person for the job. :( i would be heart broken. Hopefully - it goes smoothly!!! I'll keep you informed.

p.s. i will also inform everyone on how Zander's 1st days at school are---we are so excited! :)

my past few days- Happy Valentine's day !!!

So this weekend we went out and did some shopping. We bought a snowblower--boy do we need one. we also looked for a new TV---who would of thought that getting a tv would have been so hard. I went to 6 different stores and i found the TV that i liked at everyone- but for some stupid reason they all were sold out of it. actually they were sold out of all of the sizes i was looking at--- all we wanted was a 40 or 42" lcd flatscreen. finally i was just about to give up looking for the day and then we decided on the one in our living room. now we have to wait until the cable guy comes on wednesday afternoon. we need a new cable cord put in against the wall that the TV is going. that was a pain just to buy a tv- usually i thought you could just go to the store- say "this is the one" , purchase it and then take it home---not in my case!

Alexzander is just too CUTE!
Anyways---so we decided on the preschool for Zander... it took alittle bit of a decision, but we had to pin point every little detail that best fit ours & Zanders life. We are working on the paperwork and he will hopefully start in March. He will be going into the toddler group 1st, and then the preschool class in Sept. I hope that this works for him! he will be going 3 days a week for over 2 hrs a day. Now I have to write some nice "Thank You " note to the others that we looked at- we appreciate the tours and it is just appropriate to say thanks to them.

This picture was taking for Gordo Valentine's Day card that Zander & I made for him---Zander is such a ham!

So my next big thing---i've been having my migraines alot lately---actually atleast 2-3 a DAY! I have an appointment with my neuroligist this Friday, i hope that he can help me out. it kind of scares me because this just out of the blue began to happen.... i have pills to take for a tension headache, but i've been taking them alot and i dont like doing that. Maybe it's the stress or something- but there has got to be a solution- so wish me luck and i hope it's controlable!

Preschools!?

So things are looking bright. Gordo & I went to visit some schools and we found 2 of them that we loved...so we now have to really sit down and decided which one works best for Zander and us. But--- oh--- they are great! Alexzander will learn so much from them and he will be so prepared for kinderagrten when the time comes. I was watching all these kids and to hear some of their situations and then see what they are like now---it was so rewarding to just know that Zander will improve on his delayments... hopefully we can get him to start talking in full sentences and get the motorskills and emotional issues under control and he'll be caught right up. Even though he receives services at home it just doesnt seem to be the same. I think that he needs to be at these school- so he can interact with other peers and play and learn, at home he doesn't have that. We are so excited to have him start and hopefully soon. The past few weeks have been absolutely heart breaking for me as a parent and I am hoping that things will start to look up. I am trying to think very postive and look at all the good i can get from this experience--but i know i will always have my bad days---i just hope Zanders are always just good days.

Important--- Zander/ MOD & me

So as you know it is that time of year again---March of Dimes fundraising...this year I am pushing it--- since I joined up for FaceBook, I can hit up all the people on my friends list and hopefully get some donations and/or a bunch of new walkers for my team. I want to spread the word... it is very important to me. last I knew- I have a 50% chance of this happening again and having another premature child. So i will keep doing what I can to stop that in everyway. I posted a "note" on FB and tagged a bunch of people, I am hoping that they will all become involved in one way or another. This is the note that was posted:
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Hi guys, I was just sending you alittle note to ask you if you would like to walk with us in April for the March for Babies. The walk takes place at The Crossings in Colonie on April 26th (it's a Sunday) @ 10 am. they will walk rain or shine. It is for about 3 miles all through the park grounds. they have a huge playground for the kids to play on after the walk and offer refreshment and a small picnic afterwards.

I am recruiting people to join my team Alexzander the Great and help raise funds for the March of Dimes. As you know I have done this for the past few years and i have had a great success at raising funds, but I really would like to also have a great team, (they have been real small). You are all welcomed to come--even those little kiddies of yours and enjoy a morning/ afternoon of fun and sharing the love for the cause.
In the past it has rained and also has been beautiful- so please dress for the weather. It is in the morning so it will probably be somewhat cold - but after a nice walk- it will warm up closer to the afternoon. The walk takes about 1hr 45 min- 2 hrs. I would love to have all the team meet up before hand and say alittle something to you all and maybe get a group picture... i may have some prizes for those who raise the most $$ and stuff like that...have some fun with this.I am also thinking about making up tshirts for the entire team - to show that you are supporting the March for Babies and Team AlexzanderThe Great! Also if the day turns out to be BEAUTIFUL- i would like to have a picnic at my house or something like that to say thank you for all your supports and efforts. these are just some of the things that I am thinking about doing for that day.

If you are at all interested in joining the team or even if you dont want to walk but want to help raise funds, please sign up through my website... or if you would just rather donate you can do that also. Just thought I would put the offer out there to all of you and see what the out come will be. Love you all!
-Hollie
www.marchforbabies.org/h4barrel
or
www.marchforbabies.org/phillygordo
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Hopefully it gets the message out!


Also, if you have been following my blog- you are now aware that I am having a hard time at home. Life has gotten stressful...you would think that because it all pertains to my son - he'd be the one stressing or having the problem, and that's not the case. He is still the happy lil boy we all know and love---with alot of issues. I, on the other hand have issues. Also... this week we have appointments to check out different preschools that Zander can attend. He can go to these schools and interact with children and get the attention that he needs and have the teachers help him with his speaking and get his OT. I am going to one place on Monday and then Gordo & I are checking out two others on Tuesday. I have called around & researched about 6/7 different preschools and there are only 3 that I am interested in. Not only do I want to find a decent preschool, but I am also looking for them place to have a daycare (incase I decide to go back to a day job---continue reading and you'll see why i brought this up,) and they also have to have live up to certain standards that i want for Zander. Some of the places I contacted couldn't or wouldn't even tell me what they had to completely offer us or even answer all my questions---or they were just straight out rude...& that is why I will not put my son there. If that is how they treat the parent I can just imagine what they could do to the children. Yes, i know that they are well supervised- but it's just the point--what will the actions be if something happened w/ my child---I got the first wrong/ bad impression...so I just wont risk it! But I am hoping that I just fall in love with one of these 3 places and then we can get Zander started soon- he will first start going for just 2 to 3 day, and it will only be a few hours per day...then it can increase to more days (5), up to 4 hrs a day; and if they have a daycare (or they call it "wrap around program")he will be able to go for the entire day. If he wasn't in his class and in the daycare- yet had an issue and needed some help, there will be these people in the building and they will be there for him--this is so what he needs.
Gordo & I are slowly learning about all this stuff- and it is helping. Because we want Zander to "catch up" and do his best we are willing to do anything to help him, but it put alot of stress on us regarding our finacial matters---how can we afford our normal life and everything for him? But right now we are finding out that the State/ County has programs for children and they will offer help. It is not a program that is based on your salary- it is offered to ALL children in NYS. If they are under the age 3 it is under Early Intervention and at the age of 3yrs old the school district that you live in will take over. This helps ALOT for us- it takes a huge burden off our shoulders. That is why wer are looking at stuff this early - he is entitled to it and I think he will enjoy being with other children in a play atmosphere.
Which brings me to the next thing.... I have lost my FT kids that i've been watching. I have been having some problems w/ the oldest- he has an extreme emotional issue and is constantly crying. He is 3 1/2 yrs old and very intellegent, but all he wants to do when he is here is watch tv. If i turn it off he cries- if I put any demand on him he cries...and so on.... I have discussed this with his mother and it has been going on for almost 3 weeks- the parents and I have talked about it and the just think he needs to be with a group of kids- like a daycare. So- we have agreed to do what's best for the kids and I have them for 2 more weeks. :( It is very sad to me for many of reasons---some: i have growm attached to the kids and it will be sad to see them go. plus, they are my job- my paycheck! But i guess things happen for a reason... now i can put more of my time into Zander and get our life in order and see what is going on with him. So for now I will have Natalie (the other little girl I watch) she will come 1 day a week.
Hopefully I can go find some sort of pt job 2-3 nights a week until possibly the summer. I am taking a State test for a great postion. The test is in March---I hope I do well on it- it is a decent job and great pay. I dont see them hiring immediately (it's the State- nothing ever moves fast w/ them) the test is at the end of March and even if I do qualify- it probably wont happen until May or June at the earliest. Lets hope I get in - fingers crossed and say a prayer. If that happened- it would be so good, because I can get Zander into his school and then the wraparound program and both Gordo & I can work day shifts and it will just be great----wishful thinking! (hopefully becomes real thinking!)
Oh and another thing.... I booked our family vacation...I can't wait! I found this all inclusive resort in VT- so we can drive there (so much easier then flying w/ Zander.) They offer a day program for the kids. It has different age groups and stuff to do for the children all day long- they take them everyday from 8:30 am - 1:30pm and then again at 5:30pm - 8:30pm. That way the parents have some time to do Adult things and also to have dinner just as Adults. The kids program will provide all meals for the kids or you can have breakfast as a family and then have a picnic lunch too. It's a family resort so it offers stuff to do for everyone--- that is so what we need- for all of us. If this sounds like something you are interested in- let me know and I'll get you the info. The best thing (that I just found out- after we booked the trip)is that I was talking to Zander's speech therapist and told her where we were going- she highly recommened it and said that it would be great for Zander...plus she said that she has family that work there for the kids program (I guess her cousin is a school teacher and she works the kids program in the summer) - it was just comforting to know that there will be people there to help out Zander if there is an issue and we can't get to him immediatlely. I can not wait until June- that is when we are going. They offer 3/4 /5 & 7 day weeks. It's only a 7 day week for the peak season starting in mid Jun to first week of Sept-- we wanted to do less of a week so we could check it out first and see if it's something we will enjoy; so we booked before peak season for 4 days/ 3 nights. Everything is included (except alcohol- but you can bring your own or buy at the bar)...so we can eat all we want and play with all the water/land sports (kyaking/ paddle boating/ swimming/ biking/ tennis/ picnic/ playground....)and also enjoy alone and family time because daycare is included. if you want to go out after 8:30pm w/ out the kids you can hire a nanny for the evening- it your average cost per hour ($7-$10 pr hr)but i guess it is worth it just to get the entire evening out with some adults. Once again- I CAN'T WAIT!
Wow- i guess i have alot to say today...hope you had fun reading---keep following, I'm sure I will have alot more to say--mainly because I will have appts this week and I will keep you all updated about Zander ....

Avoiding

So I have been purposely avoiding my blog these past couple weeks. I would jump onto the page to write something and then when i thought of what i wanted to say- it either would just become to long or to complicated to follow. I have had so much different and heart wrenching things going on lately, I can't even think of how to put it in words.
Well today I am going to start with---my vacation to Key West has been cancelled. I am very ticked about it. Gordo needed to get the week off from work - this way we would have a babysitter for Zander and I could go away... and on Friday the Post Office denied his request and told him to pick a different week. I am really starting to hate the PO- so many things that they get away with over their employees. So now i cant even go away for a few days. If they deny his other weeks we want off- i think i will go "postal"

next thing on the list is about Zander:
Zander has been evaluated by a bunch of different dr's and therapist for EI (early intervention)- he has a few delays and is getting services now to help him. it's better to get him the help now while he is young then to wait until it's to late. Well -- this has been going on for a couple months now - the teachers come to our home...it is so draining as a parent... it's so hard to hear what they have to say about your child and if he needs more help. i am to the point where i cant even hear one more thing about Zander - i think i will just blow up. Every parent wants to think that their child is perfect and nothing could ever be wrong with them- but i guess when you hear something like that you learn to deal with it----but after awhile it gets harder and harder when you just keep hearing it over & over and it's not just one thing anymore, it has become multiple delays. As a mom- i feel the guilt. He was in my body that rejected him and made him come out 3 months to soon---it was me that should have protected him from everything---and because he was a premiee this is the possibilities that he will always have to deal with for the rest of his life. i just want my child to be happy and enjoy his life and learn and play with others---but when there are things that get in the way from a child doing that- a parent takes the toll. I will take all the negative energy that is ever pushed on my son and absorb it- but in the end it is going to kill me. ---maybe i'm the one that needs the help. But i will never let my happy, fun loving little peanut think that he is ever any different or "delayed". People keep telling me that he'll catch up and everything will be ok- well until i see it--it's just real hard. I only wish it was one thing that he was delayed in- but everytime i get him checked it's like i hear more bad news.... i thought it was an extremely tough time when he was first born and we were dealing with the NICU day by day- but this shit is just as hard.... ongoing and frusterating. This is why i have not been writing in my blog--and I am not writing anymore about it for now- i am getting to upset.

3rd- I have just been very busy with my normal life- i am trying to finish our taxes and hopefully get a HUGE refund back. we would love to take a family vacation- i have looked into a few different places..we'll see if we get the dates we want off and then i can decided what wer are doing...fingers crossed. well sorry for venting- but i gotta do it somewhere and my blog never vents back!

VACATION ALONE?

So I am taking a vacation without my husband or child. My friend's parents live in Key West and she mentioned going down to visit them and invited me along again...(i went down with her a few years ago before I was married- we had a blast)So i have decided that I am going to go with her in March to Key West for about 4 or 5 days. I am very excited and yet scared at the same time. This will be the first time that I have not been around Zander for more then 1 1/2 days. He has spent the night at my sister's house - but this time I won't even be in the same state. Gordo is going to take some time off so that he will be home w/ Zander while I am away. I know that Gordo is upset about it- he doesnt want to tell me but i can sense it- he knows that it cost money to do things- like vacation ---and that is something that we dont have to much of right now, but he isnt going to say anything to me because he knows that I really need some sort of break and he always tells me to go with my friends. But he also has been wanting to take a vacation himself- and yet he doesnt know where or when or anything. I have been trying to plan something for us to go on- but it has been tough when you dont know what the other wants. Usually at the end of January him & his buddies all go to Mad River Glen to ski- sometimes they go for a day or 2. I know his 1 friend mentioned something about staying at his place that he has on Gore Mountain for one night in the next few weeks - so they can all drink it up and go skiing for a couple days (boys night!)I hope this happens- it will give him some time away so he can relax-- I would completely understand!
So for now i am only going to worry about my "much needed" vacation. The sad thing is---I am also not ready for the sun- i need to lose about 8 million pounds and I need a tan. I dont even have clothes that will look good on me for the sun---I guess I need to do some of shopping before I go. Well I'm sure that I will be talking about this vacation for the next few postings---so hope you keep following......

What is my Path?

So - do you ever wonder what life would have been like if you chose the other options....? I have tried to understand why my life is the way it is today- and I have tried to clearify why it has gone down this path.... but the more I drill those excuses into my head- the more pissed off I become. I don't know where or what I would change...would it be my career path that I decided to take or should I say NOT TAKE? Should I have done something differently with myself when i got out of highschool (instead of worrying about my love life) maybe it was after I graduated with my Liberal Arts degree, I should have went on to another school and got a higher degree in some field that i would be interested in. then i think what if I chose to be all about MYSELF, and stoped always caring about the "other people"- maybe things would be different. But what about my husband--do I regret meeting him? NO- I love him to death - but I wish that part of our relationship would have been different (but that also involves what I would have like to do w/ my life)...then there is my son-I WOULD NEVER GIVE HIM UP. I wish I could do his way of birth but I wouldn't wish him differently.
You know- i left my job a few years ago because I knew i was going absolutley no where--- i decided to go back to school and do something- anything...when i first went back i was in the education program, and i just changed to the culinary program because i would have rathered of enjoyed a career then just dealt with one. So now here i sit, with 2 degree's and no job in any field. I take care of my child and others and I just don't like doing that. As I have said in alot of my other postings...I would never want to do childcare FT as a career---and that is what i have become---it makes me fucking miserable! & because I am miserable everything in my life becomes that way------------ My husband & I pretty much just live together and are zombies to each other and that isnt the life that i want....

i really dont care if you are thinking right now..." she is crying poor mouth" or "feeling pity for me" - This is just they way i think and feel- for everyone that tries to cheer me up- i really do appreciate that.

I started to look at life so differently when Zander was born, and i realized that i have alot to appreciate...I have my family, husband, and now a beautiful child.. i have a home to live in, a car to drive an i have food to eat every day- all day. I am VERY STABLE (on the outside)---but what about emotionally...am i stable? am i happy? NOT ALWAYS. I need to rethink my life and the things that i have- maybe i need to clean house and get rid of some stuff and maybe do something different. (everytime i think about doing that something always seems to get in my way or someone stops me)

MAYBE I JUST NEED A VACATION! AWAY FROM EVERY ONE AND EVERYTHING----obviously that doesnt make the problem go away but it helps relax me.... either I do something like that or I'll just end up doing something nobody wants me to do!-(that could be anything)