Most days I hate my life that I live... obviously by reading the blog- you can see what I bitch about all the time---ontop of all that I have to take care of a special needs child--that's fucking hard. It's probably every other day that I seriously think of how I can get out of this or what I can do to END this. My son (I love him w/ all my heart) is so hard to take care of. I didnt get that chance to have a normal pregnancy or delivery or even infant stage--- he was a preemie and had all sorts of special things to do just to get by... then... he starts to delay and well, becomes special needs..... NOW- life is fucking hell---yes, hell all the time. I try so hard to make it good and simple- or to just be happy w/ what i have...well- i dont have a normal kid- he doesnt listen or even understand....ANYTHING---do yuo know how hard it is to try to talk/ compromise or even tell your child ANYTHING when they dont understand and tune you out.....oh, wait, and then do that aaallllllll day, because you are with him all fucking day! even when you get a chance to breathe & someone else has him---it's still a problem because they cant handle it and either send him back/ call me to take care ofthe situtaion or refuse to take him ever again.
I NEED A FUCKING BREAK!!!
I swear I hate fucking life and God---what the fuck did i ever do to make my life such hell? am i that bad of a person that he (as in God) has to do this to me---i always be leived that things in life are done for a reason and that is God's plan for each of us--- but for the past 3 years i dont even want to believe in a FUCKING GOD
---why cant my child just be a normally developing child and make life and trainging/ teaching him easier.... people tell me "oh how do you think he feels (my son)- he doesnt understand---it must be hard on him" Fucking really?- Is it really, he a child and he knows no other way- this is his 'normal'---so how hard is it...
yes i'm thinking about my self right now- go fuck off of you dont like it... i am the one that does know 'normal' and I cant live it...i am the one that takes care of him/ keeps him safe and loves him for everything he does---- but where is my outlet---my break- my fucking sanity....when he goes to bed i am so exhausted i dont get any rest. On top it all i still have my own health problems and i dont think that i will ever feel stable again---i am still always dizzy and have a migraine at least 2- 3 times a day. oh, oh and for some fucking reason (maybe it's because my past work history got fucked because of my child/ health situtaion) BUT, I can't seem to get a fucking job. I have applied everywhere and had plenty of interviews--- but somehow i just cant nail the position.... offers have some in--but they're for different hours or 'sorry the position is filled, but would you like to subsitute?" Fuck no- i need a job that is stable so i can find someone to watch my kid on a schedule--- there is noone that i can have do it just...when ever. those people dont exsist---atleast not in my world.. i've looked. So then what the fuck is wrong w/ me---how bad did i fuck up to have this be on me?
what the fuck ever--now off to my fucking world of make believe and pretend that i am the happy house mom/wife- and teach my child things that make everyday life for me so stressful- but atleast he is going to learn---even if its the death of me!!!!!!
oh- wait, one more thing---when you find a supporting husband, please send him my way! a typical male wont do--- i need someone that will let me vent and not make me feel like their 'work' day was horrible compared to my 'stay at home' day. maybe a man w/ a lil sensitivity to the situation.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
been a while
wow- i guess it has really been a while since i last blogged... well not much different going on here. i am still looking for a job- still trying to get into the school system--it is a tough market. Because of this bad economy i actually thought about doing childcare again- dont know if that's the right step- but it's money coming in---so we'll see where it takes us.... i have also applied for some different type of positions at the schools, such as: bus driver and cook. the pay is actually really decent and you are on a school schedule- so why not. The cook postion i am hoping is an easy in because i have the Culinary Degree--- but I haven't heard back from them yet---could be too soon tho
anyways-, well Gordo's Jeep has finally died--- it just isnt worth the $$$ to fix it, so we are in the process of car shopping- we actualy have looked at this Chevy Equinox- I love it- but Gordo i think is still thinking about it..i'm sure that's the one we're going to end up getting. Hopefully it'll go smoothly and we can have the new vehicle soon. other then that- not much is different, Zander is still in school and doing amazing and Gordo still works at the PO doing his thing- so until something exciting pops up again, it may be a while until I post again-- love to all!!!!
p.s.
it's play off season and....GO Dallas!!!! (we play the Eagles this weekend)
anyways-, well Gordo's Jeep has finally died--- it just isnt worth the $$$ to fix it, so we are in the process of car shopping- we actualy have looked at this Chevy Equinox- I love it- but Gordo i think is still thinking about it..i'm sure that's the one we're going to end up getting. Hopefully it'll go smoothly and we can have the new vehicle soon. other then that- not much is different, Zander is still in school and doing amazing and Gordo still works at the PO doing his thing- so until something exciting pops up again, it may be a while until I post again-- love to all!!!!
p.s.
it's play off season and....GO Dallas!!!! (we play the Eagles this weekend)
Monday, September 28, 2009
Teaching Assistant???
So I have taking the Teacher Assistant exam for NYS and todayI will find out my score... I am alittle nervous, I haven't been in school in a while and I am afraid that it may have affected the test. I thought that the exam was pretty easy--- but you never know.
Since last Fall I have been really getting in to children and teaching them. Whether it's teaching them right from wrong or just their ABC's... I feel a connection. I would love to work with young children-- either preschool age or k-2 or 3 grades. Most of the jobs that I applied for are to help assist with the special needs children in the schools. I don't think I would want to work in any other field of teaching if I couldn't get this one. I have this need to help others growing inside me and I know that this is my calling. I live with it everyday and and have a personal experience. I pray that I can help these children, just by being there and guiding them.
I have been applying at schools all Summer long and even this Fall. I am hoping to get some sort of job working in an elementary school or even a preschool. I would like to work on a school schedule and have the same days off too. It would be great not to have to worry about daycare for Zander for FT. He goes to preschool 5 days a week 1/2 day--- I would rather him go to daycare only parttime and not worry about alot of commotion in his day. I am waiting on the last school that I have applied for to hopefully call me for an interview. I have had plenty of interviews this summer--- but no really good offers. Lets see-- i have been offered a job (actually 2 position at the same place) but lets just say the pay wouldn't even cover daycare cost and the hours were not what I expected. The other places I interviewed decided I wasn't the right fit or found someone with more experience (understandable) and some of them never even called for an interview----now I used all my techniques- like verifying they received my resume, call backs, ect.... I almost gave up- but took a peek at some of the local school districts againto see if they were hiring after the school year started (there is always someone that needs extra help) & what do you know... I found an EXCELLENT school that is looking for teacher aides/assitants for their elemntary level in the special education classes. GOD I HOPE YOU ARE THERE FOR ME...PLEASE!!! Well this week is when the deadline of getting in your applications is and I sent my application in middle of last week- so I'm good- I just hope it's enough to impress them.
See- once I get my score (passing score) from NYS, I then have to finish taking 2 classes that are 2hrs long (child abuse & violence prevention) I also have to do the whole finger printing thing and I will become a certified Teacher Assitant. Even though you could get a job with out it (at most preschools or daycares)--most school districts require it or require that you are working on obtaining it...which I am. I can get into the school and maybe down the road work on getting my bachlors degree and possible head into the special education field.
I know, I know... Hollie you have done so many different things--- what happened with the whole Culinary thing? Well- I still would love to do that, but things in life change and as you all know- after my son was born my life changed. So my dream of Culinary has to go on hold and another door has opened for me & I need to take this path. Not just for a career- but also for some understanding.... like I said earlier--- I live with this everyday.... these children need help and I want to give it to them. I also want to be able to give as much help to my lil guy as I can too.
So WISH ME LUCK!!!
a few hours later-----UPDATE: I just got my score from the exam...and it says..............PASS! hooray hooray!!!
unfortunately it doesn't tell me what a failing score was or anything like that- but atleast I passed and can finish moving forward on getting this certification---I'm very excited!!!
Since last Fall I have been really getting in to children and teaching them. Whether it's teaching them right from wrong or just their ABC's... I feel a connection. I would love to work with young children-- either preschool age or k-2 or 3 grades. Most of the jobs that I applied for are to help assist with the special needs children in the schools. I don't think I would want to work in any other field of teaching if I couldn't get this one. I have this need to help others growing inside me and I know that this is my calling. I live with it everyday and and have a personal experience. I pray that I can help these children, just by being there and guiding them.
I have been applying at schools all Summer long and even this Fall. I am hoping to get some sort of job working in an elementary school or even a preschool. I would like to work on a school schedule and have the same days off too. It would be great not to have to worry about daycare for Zander for FT. He goes to preschool 5 days a week 1/2 day--- I would rather him go to daycare only parttime and not worry about alot of commotion in his day. I am waiting on the last school that I have applied for to hopefully call me for an interview. I have had plenty of interviews this summer--- but no really good offers. Lets see-- i have been offered a job (actually 2 position at the same place) but lets just say the pay wouldn't even cover daycare cost and the hours were not what I expected. The other places I interviewed decided I wasn't the right fit or found someone with more experience (understandable) and some of them never even called for an interview----now I used all my techniques- like verifying they received my resume, call backs, ect.... I almost gave up- but took a peek at some of the local school districts againto see if they were hiring after the school year started (there is always someone that needs extra help) & what do you know... I found an EXCELLENT school that is looking for teacher aides/assitants for their elemntary level in the special education classes. GOD I HOPE YOU ARE THERE FOR ME...PLEASE!!! Well this week is when the deadline of getting in your applications is and I sent my application in middle of last week- so I'm good- I just hope it's enough to impress them.
See- once I get my score (passing score) from NYS, I then have to finish taking 2 classes that are 2hrs long (child abuse & violence prevention) I also have to do the whole finger printing thing and I will become a certified Teacher Assitant. Even though you could get a job with out it (at most preschools or daycares)--most school districts require it or require that you are working on obtaining it...which I am. I can get into the school and maybe down the road work on getting my bachlors degree and possible head into the special education field.
I know, I know... Hollie you have done so many different things--- what happened with the whole Culinary thing? Well- I still would love to do that, but things in life change and as you all know- after my son was born my life changed. So my dream of Culinary has to go on hold and another door has opened for me & I need to take this path. Not just for a career- but also for some understanding.... like I said earlier--- I live with this everyday.... these children need help and I want to give it to them. I also want to be able to give as much help to my lil guy as I can too.
So WISH ME LUCK!!!
a few hours later-----UPDATE: I just got my score from the exam...and it says..............PASS! hooray hooray!!!
unfortunately it doesn't tell me what a failing score was or anything like that- but atleast I passed and can finish moving forward on getting this certification---I'm very excited!!!
Monday, August 17, 2009
beach
we went to the beach Sunday- we had fun. Zander had a blast running in the lake and trying to jump off the docks. He took a few head dives but he was ok.
we played in the sand and tried to swim. He was even a good boy and took a break for his lunch and then right back to the water..........
When he was done he pretty much passed right out on the car ride home--pheww it was hot and sticky, but oh what a great afternoon.
we played in the sand and tried to swim. He was even a good boy and took a break for his lunch and then right back to the water..........
When he was done he pretty much passed right out on the car ride home--pheww it was hot and sticky, but oh what a great afternoon.
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